A quick update… why is HTK closed? When are you coming back?
A quick update: STILL IN RECOVERY MODE IN A HUMAN SIZED BAG OF RICE.
Finally, some of my symptoms are reducing ever so slightly after a colossal resurgence. But they feel floating and unstable. Todays have been filled with the uncertainty of what debts may be mercilessly collected within the tomorrows. I have been here before. I will leave here again. More quickly than the last time. But I am here now, gently wading my way through the thickets (and hopefully out the other side) with the blunt force of rest and patience in place of a machete.
My baseline has lost all semblances of sturdiness. It is wafer thin, jolting between two extremes; a tightrope and an entrapment. If I take a leap of faith and move in one direction I may try to tentatively tread the tightrope, ready to fall if I make a wrong footing. Overused and under-stuffed crash mats to one side, shark infested water to the other. In the opposite direction, what was once an intricately woven and meticulously crafted glowing baseline that adorned a stoic tree, supported by boundaries of branches, is now chaotic and tangled. I try with all my gentle might to unravel the mass, without breaking any glass or causing the wires to fray irreparably. I can but try. I will try indefinitely.
To call it a baseline at all at present seems futile, it’s an undulating cycle of flailing flat lines, panicked peaks and treacherous troughs. I know that with time everything will realign as my balance is remastered. And I will move with ease, and feed the sharks as I go. Readdresssing my footing with every wobble as I increase the load. For now, the ronas ramifications are kicking my arse. But I’m adorning my feet with 6inch platforms and spice girl high kicking the fucker back.
It would be remiss if me not to mention that my strictness in shielding over the last few years was never through a fear of dying — I don’t think my risk of death is a whole lot higher than the average — nor was it the fear of the unknown; it was knowing full well that if I caught this, I would fall with nothing to catch it in return. It was 17 years of experience with ‘post viral illness’. It was, and is, the knowledge that ‘not dying’ is not the same as ‘recovering’. It was an instant familiarity with an unending in-between, and that becoming more chronically ill would be inevitable. How ill or how chronic was and still is the unknown. The reality of running a business single-handedly while living with chronic illness is that if my health falters, there is no one to pick up the load. So I had to make the necessary but gut wrenching decision to close and take time to heal over the last few months.
I’ll be back soon. In the meantime thank you for all your kindness, your messages, cards, flowers and support. I’m beyond grateful and sorry it’s taking me so much longer than usual to get back to you all. In myself, I’m doing just fine and I’ve been uncharacteristically at peace with this whole debacle. I’m patiently giving myself the time and grace needed to heal and can now feel a slight shift in the right direction *happy dances*. I WILL be back soon. I just can’t give a definite date as to when “soon” will be.
Love always, Holly xXx