20 things my 20’s have taught me

A personal reflection on a decade of challenges, triumphs, new beginnings, abrupt endings, illness, wellness, creativity, lessons, loss and laughter. By Holly aged twenty nine and eleven twelfths.

1) You don’t have to have it all figured out yet. You don’t have to have any of it figured out. You just need to have a go. Just keep having a go. That’s absolutely enough.

2) Stop telling yourself you’re not good enough, smart enough, brave enough, calm enough, well enough, thin enough, curvy enough, beautiful enough, strong enough, rich enough, tall enough, short enough, any-bloody-thing enough to be worthy of the things you desire and wish to work for. Be it a career, love, respect, adventure, health, support, happiness. Anything. Look at the world around you. Look at the absolute idiots they allow to run the world around us. You are absolutely capable of doing anything. Impostor syndrome is natural, but don’t allow it to fool you. You are worthy of it all. Be kind to yourself along the way. And don’t ever think you have to be like the idiots in positions of power to get shit done. Leading with kindness, empathy and respect, allows everyone the chance to flourish far further than under the reign of those who choose to rule with the force of fear and shame.

3) If you didn’t like your degree, forcing yourself to follow a career path that’s in keeping with your degree because you feel like it’s what you “should” do, won’t make you happy. The first few years after graduation may feel like the most directionless and soul destroying years of your life. You will get through them anyway. Experiment, find what brings you joy and makes your soul feel nurtured. Do more of that, and if you can find a way of earning a wee bit of money while you do it, keep doing that. You don’t have to follow a career with academic credentials, a high status or massive pay cheque just because you have the intelligence to do so. It’s smarter to do what makes you happy and what keeps you well than what leaves you unfulfilled and on the verge of a breakdown every Monday morning.

4) Boundaries are a necessary as breath.

5) Oprah was in between jobs and working as a part time waitress at 30. Beyonce had headlined Glastonbury at 29 and was pregnant with Blue, 15 years into her incomparably successful career. They are now self made billionaires. But more importantly, they are living their lives on their own terms and working in a way that fuels them and allows them to give back and raise others up. They help people beyond measure and you don’t need to be a billionaire to do that. Everyone gets to where they are meant to be in their own time, and their own way. It’s not a race. Step steady at your own pace. And don’t compare yourself to others - that’s just a one way ticket on the struggle bus to sad town.

6) If you find the “don’t compare yourself to others” idea far easier said than done, delete your personal Facebook account. Get it gone. And unfollow any social media accounts that make you question your worth. Remove them all and watch the pangs of panic in the age of expectation begin to dissipate.

7) You don’t have to be a bendy Wendy or a culture vulture skinny wealthy white lady who brunches to reap the benefits of yoga. If you don’t have the energy/ ability to move your body, start with breath work. Try alternate nostril breathing. It’s a total game changer. Click that link, give it a go.

Check out yoga my bed and M.E for wonderful ways to use yoga as a tool when living with M.E.

As, and when, you’re able to, you will to find what feels good to you.

8) Even if you are unwell - especially if you’re unwell - you are allowed to have fun and make no apologies about it. You need to have fun and joy in order to heal. Boredom is not the facilitator of wellness. Being able to enjoy simple things in life is not the equivalent of being able to work a 9-5. Don’t explain yourself to wilfully ignorant people. Do the things that make your heart sing. Anyone who begrudges you of that is not worth your time, energy, patience or worries.

9) Asking for help is not admitting defeat. Just ask. And don’t start your request with an apology. Just ask. Say please and thank you. But just ask.

10) It’s totally ok to laugh, and make other people laugh, at funerals. It’s almost 100% more bearable if you do.

11) You don’t have to heal fully in order to live fully.

12) You will learn to say “No!” without guilt laden explanation to the shit that doesn’t serve you. It will get easier every time you do it.

13). Work on finding the balance between needing and wanting to spend time alone to create, to recharge and to heal (in part), and spending quality, nourishing, hilarious times with those who bring sunshine into your life. Spend time mindfully noticing the difference between not wanting to do something because you genuinely don’t want to, and not wanting to do something because you don’t want to face and flow through the almighty anxiety you will feel before it, but ultimately will have a wonderful time once you break through that barrier. Introversion and self enforced isolation are not the same thing. Make space for gentle joys and social events that fuel you. Start small. Notice your symptoms throughout. Do more of what makes you feel good, with those who make you feel good, and do less of the rest to allow yourself the time to rest.

14) Visit your Grandparents as often as possible. You will say goodbye to them all in the space of two years, almost every sixth months to the day. Make sure your parents are able to express their grief. Find outlets for them to experience joy. Treat them to the things they love, live music, shows, comedy gigs etc. Death can create cruel and unusual rifts in families. Ride the waves of grief and pay no mind to those who are unkind. After experiencing the difference in having your dog put down and watching the slow, horrific process of end of life “care” for humans, your opinions on euthanasia will change. Your fear of death will not. Do some work on that. It’s the most pointless fear of all.

15) Taking medication for anxiety will change your life. You have not failed. You are not a failure for being unable to “fix” it without any help, especially considering it has been a permanent fixture in your life for as long as you can remember. It will not stop you from being able to feel. It will simply allow you to feel something other than crippling, constant, all consuming anxiety and suffering raging, life altering, panic attacks. You apply sunscreen to enjoy the sunshine and not burn to a crisp, you can take medication to enjoy all the weathers and not burnout. They will temporarily make you balloon like your gal from willy wonky who turns into a blueberry. That’s ok too. Calm is more freeing than any size could ever be. Thinness and wellness are not one in the same; regardless of the fat phobic rhetoric that society tries to idealise and capitalise on.

16) Find acceptance and contentment of where you are now, and throughout each and every stage of the healing process. It will become your superpower. You will never become bewildered or complacent and will forever remain hopeful that things can, and they will change. Take tiny, actionable steps to make that happen. Nothing is too small.

17) When scattering someone’s ashes, there’s a LOT to scatter. An awful lot. An awful awful lot. There’s also a lot of rules about where you can do it. It’s probably best to check into that before you plonk them in a nice walled garden and then try to disguise the ginormous mass of powdered person with a bunch of leaves and twigs. Oh, and if you have a dog with you, chances are, they may eat some. I’ve been out here making mistakes since 1989 so you don’t have to.

18) You can make “cheesecakes” out of cashew nuts and then make that in to your job if you want to. Anything is possible, if you set your mind to it, have the appropriate financial support, have a certain level of health and invest in a whopper of a blender.

19) Talking about your illness does not mean you are being negative, burdensome or attention seeking. It doesn’t make you weak. You don’t need to go through this alone. When you find the right places to speak, it will open you up to a plethora of possibilities, connect you to your soul sisters and create the types of friendships that you always lacked and longed for. The ones you have always needed. The ones who truly see you, even if they don’t see you in person. You will help yourself by helping others. Keep sharing. Keep writing. Keep owning your truth. Keeping your illness secret made it worse. Free yourself from those self inflicted shackles and stand proud in the progress of your story.

20) Everyone is winging it. Everyone is a bit of a mess. Humans are wildly shambolic. Thankfully, there’s always dogs.